Grudges result from serious hurt, and while some people say they are justified, other people say grudges cause more problems. Find out what grudges are and whether they are good things or bad things.
“I believe in holding grudges. I’ll heal in hell,” is a sentiment some people share. Grudges are those long held resentments over serious hurts that some people swear ruin lives. Other people say grudges are normal, healthy, and it’s lacking in self-love if you ignore every hurt. Who is right? Join Mysticsense to explore whether grudges are good or bad for you. Find out what they are and what those who agree with grudge holding say as opposed to what people who are against grudges say. Find out the pros and cons of grudge holding. Finally, decide how you, personally, feel. Are grudges bad or are they good?
What’s a Grudge?
“ They say it's good to let your grudges go, but I don't know, I'm quite fond of my grudge. I tend it like a little pet.”- Liane Moriarty
Cambridge Dictionary online has a beautiful definition for the word grudge. They say that a grudge is ” A strong feeling of anger and dislike for a person who has treated you badly, especially one that lasts a long time.” One of the words that they list as a synonym for grudge is the word grievance. Merriam Webster online says that a grudge is “ A lingering ill will towards a person for a real or imagined wrong.” Some of the synonyms that they list are complaint, enmity, offense, and spitefulness.
A grudge begins when someone feels hurt or wronged. One bad incident can trigger a grudge, or a grudge might come on after you take multiple instances of mistreatment from someone and you can't handle it anymore. Unrealistic expectations of someone can make you feel wronged, and if you feel somebody kept something you deserved from you, it can make you hold a grudge. Misunderstandings can trigger grudges too. If someone has said something hurtful, it can upset you so badly you hold a grudge. The closer you are to somebody the greater the chance they can hurt you. If a stranger does one thing one time to upset you, you're less likely to hold a grudge against them than if your best friend betrays you. You're also likely to be more upset if the person was fully aware that what they were doing was hurtful than if the hurt was unintentional. One of the most deciding factors in whether you hold a grudge or not is if the person who hurts you made-up for what they did. If someone's not sorry, you're more likely to hold a grudge. Read about how to say you’re sorry here: How to Say You’re Sorry
Common grudges are seen between exs who have to co-parent. A modern joke is for someone to ask “Why are you still friends with my ex?” and the response is “That’s my dad!” Some people feel if their child hates their ex, it will be great revenge, but it only hurts the child, isolating them from a parent. Another common grudge is between political foes. How many people do you know who have cut off friends or family members because they voted in ways that were disapproved of? Do the politicians we support benefit from us terminating relationships with the people we love? Or does it protect us from people who we feel vote for evil?
How People View Grudges
“I don’t hold grudges. I remember facts.”- Anonymous.
Different people have different views about grudges. Some see them in a positive light, while others see them as negative things. People who view them positively say grudges keep us safe from allowing ourselves to be hurt again, somebody deserves a grudge to be held against them for what they did, and it’s nobody else’s business if you hold a grudge. Some people say grudges are simply hateful, only cause the hurt to continue, and that they are forbidden.
As Safety Measures
Some people believe that if they hold a grudge it will keep them from letting their guard down around someone who they know not to trust again. In that way grudges can be seen as protective. You don't necessarily seek revenge when you have a grudge. You just remember how they made you feel. If someone lied to you, you will remember that you can't trust their word. If someone cheated on you, you will remember that they can't be trusted to be faithful. If someone was violent, you know that you can't trust them not to hurt you. There are some things that hurt so badly that it completely destroys the trust that you have in someone, and remembering what they did and how it hurt you is protective. Are you being abused? Find out here: Are You Abused? | The Signs You May Be
Somebody Earned It
Some people say that grudges are earned. When your so-called friend steals money from you, they are the ones to blame for the grudge that you hold against them. If your teacher was caught taking credit for your work and not telling anybody that you did the work, some people would say they earn a grudge that people feel against them. If your employer treats you unfairly, some people will say that it's their fault if you hold a grudge against them. We make choices every day, and there are consequences for every choice we make. Some people believe that grudges are the consequences of mistreatment.
It’s Nobody’s Business
Some people say that holding a grudge is a personal decision, it is everybody's right, and nobody has any business in stating an opinion. They say that the grudge is a result of a choice that somebody made, and the grudge that they hold in response is their right. They also say that the person that the grudge is being held against has no right to criticize the grudge. Had they not done what they did, no grudge would have resulted. Some people believe that we all have to make the decision about whether we feel something is right, wrong, good, or evil and nobody else has the right to insinuate themselves in that decision making. Learn about the difference between good and evil here: What’s the Difference Between Good and Evil?
As Hatefulness
Some people say that grudges are just downright hateful. They say that remembering past hurts creates hatred in your heart instead of opening your heart and love to someone who made a mistake. They say that everybody makes mistakes, and none of us are perfect, so instead of holding grudges, we should forgive. Forgiveness means moving past an incident and not dwelling on it for some people, and for other people it means saying that it's OK what happened. Some people say anything else is hatred instead of love.
Grudges Only Cause Hurt
Some people say that instead of moving toward forgiveness and putting the past behind you, if you hold a grudge, you make yourself suffer more. They say that it also hurts the person that you're holding a grudge against and that your goal should be to end the suffering instead of dragging it out. Some people call for the person who has been hurt to be the greater person spiritually, and find a way to end whatever it's going on and try to make peace in everyone's lives. One thing that can hurt very badly is trauma bonds, but you can break free from them. Find out how here: How to Break a Trauma Bond and Set Yourself Free
Grudges are Forbidden
Some people outright forbid grudges. Some people say that it is a sin if you don't forgive people who hurt you. Some people say that whatever energy you put out to the universe comes back to you as much as three times and up to ten times more powerfully than you sent it out. Therefore, holding a grudge will hurt you worse than the person who you could hold a grudge against. Even some people who aren't religious at all say that grudges or terrible things and are not allowed under any circumstances no matter how badly someone has hurt you. Some people say that two wrongs don't make a right and holding grudges continues the pain that someone else started.
Should You Hold Grudges?
“ Some people say I hold grudges. Yeah, well…I’ll remember they said that!”- Anonymous
What else do people have to say about grudges? Should we hold grudges or should we let bygones be bygones and let things go? Some people who say we should never hold grudges say grudges hold on to the pain, keeps us in the past, and hurts our relationships. Some people disagree. They say that holding grudges keeps people from hurting you again, because you remember what happened and you stand up for yourself.
The Cons of Grudge Holding
Some people are strictly against grudges and they say that the grudge somehow continues whatever first happened to you. They say the grudge not only hurts you, but it hurts the person who hurt you and that is considered a very bad thing to some people.
You Hold on to Pain
Some people believe that holding on to a grudge is like holding on to the pain. They say that grudges don't necessarily hurt the people who hurt us. They hurt the person who holds the grudge. They also say that people who would go out of their way to do something bad to you won't care if you hold a grudge against them. They say that the grudge keeps you chained to the pain and so you need to let it go so that you can heal. When you're dealing with a broken heart you need ways to heal. Read our tips to heal a broken heart here: Ten Tips to Mend a Broken Heart
You Dwell on the Past
Some people say that no matter how bad what happened was, it happened in the past, and the past should not control the present or your future. They say that holding on to grudges keeps us trapped in the past. Some people say we shouldn't let bad things that happened before continue to hurt us because there are many years behind us. Some people say that life is meant for living joyously, and constantly thinking about past hurts makes us hurt again and again.
Relationships Suffer
Some people say that we will ruin our relationships if we don't learn to forgive. They say this is because everybody makes mistakes, even big mistakes sometimes. If we dwell on the mistakes that somebody made, and hold anger or resentment in our hearts for it, it comes between us and that person. Some people say that it is never worth it to let anything come between us and the people who we care about. Read about friend falling outs and breakups here: Am I Having a Best Friend Breakup?
The Pros of Grudge Holding
Some people are pro grudges. They say grudges are good and benefit the person that holds them for multiple reasons. Most reasons for holding grudges are that someone has been hurt and the grudge benefits them somehow.
They Can’t Hurt You Again
Some people say grudge holding isn't all bad, especially when the grudge protects you. Once you know what to expect from someone, remembering that is a good thing. Some people say that when someone shows you what kind of horrible things they're capable of, ignoring it is ridiculous. They say a grudge means you never forget and protect yourself so they can’t do it again.
You Remember What Happened
How can you protect yourself from somebody who will hurt you over and over again if you don't remember what they did? So, remember what happened so that you can protect yourself from dealing with it ever again, some people say. So, a grudge means that you remember what happened so that you can protect yourself from dealing with it ever again. Remembering what happened isn’t just for you. Remember what somebody can do to hurt someone else. You remember how it felt, and you will make sure to keep the people who you love and care safe. Learn about the power of our memories here: The Mysterious Power of Memories
You Stand up For Yourself
Some people say that grudges are standing up for yourself. Some people say you should never let anybody get away with doing something bad to you. Maybe you can't punish them or get revenge, but you can tell them that what happened was unacceptable and from now on, you are completely off limits to them. Some people believe that some things are so bad that it is impossible to forget about them or to move forward with someone in your life when they've hurt you. Once some things are said you can't take them back. Once some things are done the damage is so serious you can't take it back or make it better. In these situations, some people rely on grudges as a way of saying that but happened should never have happened.
Grudges happen because we have been hurt, insulted, or somehow wronged. They especially happen when we feel like somebody knew what they were doing and disregarded our rights or feelings anyways. Some people say grudges are wrong because they are hateful, and make us dwell on what happened instead of moving away from past hurts. Other people say somebody earned that grudge, the grudge reminds us that somebody can’t be trusted, and this keeps us from allowing someone to hurt us again. Does it really matter what other people say? Only you can make the decision. Should you hold grudges or shouldn't you?
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