Trauma bonds happen every day, and you might be stuck in a trauma bond relationship. Learn the signs of trauma bonds, why it happens, and what to do to break bonds with an abuser.
Does your relationship feel hurtful? Does something feel off about the relationship, and you're not quite sure what? Do you feel suffocated by the relationship, or forced to be involved in it? You might be stuck in a trauma bond. You're not alone. A lot of people have relationships with their abusers, and they don't know how to get out. Join Mysticsense to learn about trauma bond relationships and find out if you are trapped in one. Find out why trauma bonds happen, and the signs to look for that you're in a trauma bond. Once you discover you're in a trauma bond, find out how to break free of it.
What is a Trauma Bond?
Trauma bonds are unhealthy bonds that victims form with abusers. The abuser has an unfair amount of power and control over their victim, and the victim tolerates mistreatment. In normal relationships, people treat each other fairly, don't control one another, and make decisions together. Each person has equal importance in the relationship and has equal say. In an abusive relationship, victims have no say and are taken advantage of. You can't have a healthy relationship with an abuser. If they're not being violent with you, they're hurting your feelings, disrespecting you, or disregarding your feelings.
Trauma bonds are difficult to break because abusers are very good at manipulating their victims into feeling responsibility for them. Abusers might get their victims to feel sorry for them because of their suffering or they tell their victim that they're responsible for helping them or taking care of them. They might tell their victims that they're isolated and their victims are the only people in the whole wide world that can help them, or they may even convince their victims that everybody else hates them. Abusers may also convince their victims that they deserve the abuse. Maybe the abuser tells the victim that the victim does horrible things and deserves punishment. Maybe the abuser has convinced the victim that the victim owes them something. The abuser may tell the victim that the victim should appreciate them for the great things that have been done for them or the abuser may even have the victim convinced that the abuser themselves is the victim. Find out if you’re an abuse victim here: Are You Abused? | The Signs You May Be
Signs of Trauma Bonds
A lot of times, the signs of trauma bonds are obvious, but victims can't see the signs. Some sure signs that your relationship is nothing more than a trauma bond include the fact that your relationship hurts you and there seems to be no escape. Things will be unequal or unfair and there will be lies or secrecy to cover up for the abuser. Most or all your feelings will be disregarded.
The Relationship Hurts
Does the person you're involved with insult you often? Do they hit you? Do they take advantage of you financially? Do you look forward to times when they're gone so you don't have to deal with them? If they go on vacation without you or have to go out of town for work do breathe easier knowing they'll be gone for a while? Relationships are supposed to make our lives better, not worse. Being in a relationship shouldn't hurt. If your relationship hurts you, it's probably a trauma bond.
There Is No Escape
Are you trapped in a relationship and you can't get out of it? Relationships should be about making you both happy instead of feeling stuck. If you want out of your relationship, but the person who you are involved with won't let you out of it, you're trapped. It goes from being an actual relationship to being something that you want to escape from. That is definitely a sign of a trauma bond. If someone forces you to stay in a relationship, that is abuse. Abuse leads to relationship failure. Learn what to do if your relationship fails here: Why Do Relationships Fail? How Can You Prevent It?
Things Aren’t Fair
Is your relationship all about you giving and the other person taking? Are you the one who pays for everything even though the other person has plenty of money? Do you go to work all day and come home and wait on them hand and foot all night while they sit around and do nothing? Do you have children together but they won't take care of their own kids? When things are unfair in a relationship, and it never gets better, is it really a relationship? That might be a trauma bond. Relationships are supposed to be mutually beneficial. If your relationship only benefits the other person, it might be a trauma bond.
There Are Lies or Secrecy
Do you find yourself constantly lying to people about what the person you're in a relationship is doing? Do they swear you to secrecy about the smallest things? Do you catch them in lies about what they're doing or do they lie to you about what you know they've done? Lies and secrecy in relationships create divisions and compromise trust. If you have to cover up for someone that you're in a relationship with because there would be severe consequences for things that they do on a regular basis, are you really in a relationship with them, or are you protecting them from the consequences of their own actions? Everybody has secrets though. Read about the Zodiac Sign’s secrets here: The Zodiac Signs Dark Secrets
Your Feelings Are Disregarded
Anytime you're in a relationship with someone who doesn't care about your feelings, that's not a good relationship. You have to ask yourself why you're bothering to be involved with someone who does not care about the way that you feel. You are not required to maintain relationships with people who disregard your feelings whether it's physical feelings or emotions. Especially when they are the ones hurting you, it's a trauma bond.
Why Trauma Bonds Happen
Trauma bonds happen when an abuser convinces their victim that they are in a relationship. Many abusers are family members, so-called friends, or significant others. It's possible that you're involved with someone, but you don't actually have a relationship with them. Abusers are not people who made a mistake and are sorry. They are people who continue to hurt you, know that they're doing it, and either enjoy hurting you, or enjoy what they're getting so much by hurting you that they don't care if you're hurt. Trauma bonds cannot happen if someone refuses to allow the abuse.
Signs It’s a Trauma Bond
What are the signs that you’re in a trauma bond instead of a relationship? There are countless signs but there are three common signs that exist in pretty much every trauma bond. Your abuser will bully you, demand unquestionable loyalty, and you lose yourself to them.
They Bully You
Abusers force their victims to do things. They might force sex on you, or they might force you to give up your dreams, instead supporting what they want. They might force you to stay away from your friends and family and they might force you to dress the way that appeals to them instead of the way that you want to dress. They might place unfair demands on your time, financial resources, or they may bully you into listening to them complain all the time. Bullies are not respectful but you deserve respect. Find out how to get it here: The Art of Being Respectful and Being Respected
Unquestionable Loyalty
If you are not allowed to question the person you are in a relationship with, no matter what they do, that’s a sign something is wrong. If you are not allowed to disagree with them under any circumstances or do things the way that you want them without them questioning your loyalty, you are in a manipulative relationship. You should never be forced to do and say exactly what somebody else wants and you should never be forced to tell them that they're always right.
You Lose Yourself
Your preferences, your rights, your feelings, and your voice can be silenced in abusive relationships. You might give up your hopes and dreams because your abuser controls you and forces you to do the things that they want instead of what you want to do with your own life. All of your time, emotional resources, and your entire identity can revolve around what your abuser wants instead of who you are. They may want you to give up your friends and family, your job, and everything that you've ever wanted and only serve them. Don’t let them scare you into losing yourself. Find out how to find inner courage here: Find Your Inner Courage and Embrace Your Power
How to Break Trauma Bonds
Breaking trauma bonds isn't always easy, but it can be done. The first thing you have to do is acknowledge that it is a trauma bond and then get some emotional support. Next put yourself before your abuser and set some healthy boundaries.
Acknowledge It’s a Trauma Bond
The first step to creating any type of change is to acknowledge that something is wrong. It can hurt, especially if you've been involved with your abuser for a long time, to admit that this is not a relationship, but you have connected yourself to someone who abuses you. Normal healthy relationships do not cause pain. Abusive ones do. Admit to yourself that this is a trauma bond instead of a relationship and this is the first step to breaking the bond.
Get Support
It is very important to get emotional support and sometimes physical support when you're breaking a trauma bond. You might need people in your presence with your abuser so that you can get away from them. You might need witnesses to keep you safe. You might need a place to stay. You might just need people to tell you that you're doing the right thing and to do what's right for yourself. You might need to speak to the authorities for protection or you might need to speak with a counselor to get the support you need while you're breaking a trauma bond. Support will make it a lot easier to do.
Put Yourself First
Putting your own needs before an abuser's desire to keep you around so that they can abuse you can be very difficult. Abusers will often have you brainwashed into thinking that they have your best interests in mind or that you owe it to them to stay with them. No, you don't. They may also have you convinced that it's selfish for you to think of yourself at all and that you were put on earth only to serve them. That is not only a highly unrealistic viewpoint, but it shows that you were involved with a selfish individual who only cares about themselves. If somebody really loved you they would want you to put yourself first. You have to love yourself more than you love an abuser, because your abuser does not love you..
Set Boundaries
Ideally, completely cutting off communication with your abuser is best, but not everybody can completely cut off communication. If you co-parent with your abuser, if they work with you, if you are neighbors, or even if they are a member of your family or friend group, you may have to interact with them to some extent. Setting healthy boundaries so that they do not have the ability to abuse you is the key to breaking the trauma bond. Telling them no, taking away their power to hurt your feelings, or even just making sure that you're never alone with them are perfect ways to set boundaries.
There might come a day when you don't have to be around them at all and they will hold no influence over you. Until then, refusing to engage them in conversation, not allowing them to be in your presence, or simply telling them “No” to unreasonable requests are great ways to break a trauma bond. The number one thing you have to do is take away their power to hurt you. Your abuser might never change but that doesn't mean that you have to let them hurt you. When they say ugly things that hurt your feelings, ignore them. If they're unable to be violent with you, they can't harm you. Keep in mind that they might say ugly things about you and turn other people against you. The people who truly care about you will know better and stay by your side no matter what.
A Word of Caution
Your abuser will probably never admit they’ve done wrong. They may swear they love you and that you are a terrible person who is abandoning them if you leave. If they see they are losing you because you realize the magnitude of the abuse, they might promise to behave better. They may say they are sorry or tell you that you are wrong for leaving a good relationship with somebody who made mistakes. You don’t have to stick around, even if you married them, even if they are your family, and even if you have been in a relationship with them for a long time. When you have been abused, you don’t owe your abuser anything. You owe it to yourself to do what you need to do so that you can heal.
Your abuser might have you convinced that you're in a fabulous relationship. Trauma bonds aren't real relationships though. They are bonds that keep you stuck in the cycle of being a victim and they only benefit the abuser. Realizing that you have a trauma bond is the first step to freedom from your abuser. You can have good relationships and break free of trauma bonds. You deserve better.
You are never alone in your fight to escape abuse and break trauma bonds. Call us any time for emotional support and encouragement.
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